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People can get bored of having sex in the same place. As comfy and roomy as beds are, sometimes adventurous couples are looking to freshen up their sex lives with some new scenery. Some people might be lazy and hook up in the family room or kitchen. Others might try car sex. Some people might decide to get it on outside.

If you’re considering getting nasty outside, you’ve probably heard the tales of couple’s ~*really hot*~ hookups under the stars. Chances are those tales are in fact tales and not accurate representations of what hooking up outside is really like. Most of the time, outdoor sex can be the worst. Not only are there legal issues to consider, there’s also the fact that you have to deal with Mother Nature. And she doesn’t take kindly to people ruining her landscaping. Have a gander at 14 reasons why you should actually never have sex outdoors:

1. You will be panicking the entire time about getting caught.

I heard branches cracking! Was that footsteps? Are those campers? What if Big Foot shows up?

2. You will get mud and twigs in some awkward places.

So much worse than getting sand in every crevice.

3. You will feel very, very exposed.

All those shrubs and trees don’t actually provide very much cover.

4. You can lose your footing easier.

Nothing sets the mood like slipping in the mud and skinning your knee on a rock.

5. The temperature will never be comfortable.

Too cold and you’ll be dealing with shrinkage. Too hot you’ll be sweating before you’re even in position.

6. Your souvenir will be bug bites.

Ever had a bug bite on a place where the sun don’t shine?

7. …And someone could get pooped on.


8. The ground is not comfortable.

Leaves, sticks, mud, and random trash definitely aren’t as comfortable as a bed.

9. The birds will be very distracting.

Is that crow judging me? Is that big one going to land in my hair?

10. Your fear of bugs will be stronger when you’re half-naked.

What if a spider crawls up my naked leg?!

11. You will debate about what to do with your clothes.

Definitely don’t want to take off my shoes. Probably best if we do this through the pants.

12. Finding a good position will be awkward.

Should we brace ourselves against this tree? What about this stump?

13. The smells can be distracting.

What is that smell? Seriously?!

14. You will feel like you need a shower afterwards.

So dirty. And where did all this sap come from?

What’s the most surprising place you’ve had sex? Let us know in the comments!

You can follow the author, Heather Cichowski, on Twitter.

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